A Reflection

Soon I will do Landree's one year post. In that post, I will include all of the things that I so desperately love about her and how thankful I am that God made me her mother. I could write for hours on end about how much I love that precious girl of mine. I will do that soon. I will do that in this post, too. However tonight as I sit here (in a rather quiet house since Austin took AB to pick out a birthday present for Landree and to get pizza) I'm in a state of reflection and prayers of thankfulness. 

I'm thankful that God chose me to be the mother of such a beautiful, sweet and happy baby. I'm thankful that God pulled me through the most challenging and difficult year of my life. I've never been so thankful for His grace and mercies. I've never been so in love with Him. 

When I think back to exactly one year ago today, I was probably sitting in this same spot that I am right now (my bed). On the same laptop, typing out the post about the last time we would be a family of three. I had no idea what the year had in store for me. I had no idea that God would challenge me, use me and mold me into a completely different person. 

One thing I did know, is that the instant I saw this face, I would be head over heels in love.

Completely smitten.

My pregnancy became very difficult starting in my second trimester. I developed hyperthyroid and had rather painful kidney stones. The scariest part was when they found the enlarged ventricles in Landree's brain. Then, my downs syndrome screening came back that she had a 33% chance of having Downs. At that point, I had a lot of thinking and reflecting to do. It was at that point that I had to prepare myself for having a child with special needs. 

When Landree was born, we instantly knew she did not have Downs Syndrome, but that there were other complications. She had low blood sugar and the poor thing was purple and shook like crazy for weeks. 37 weeks just wasn't when Landree was ready to make her debut. But my painful and itchy bout of cholestasis was enough reason for Dr. M to bring her into the world three weeks early. 

After two days in the hospital, everything just went downhill. I look back on it now and it was as if my head was spinning 60 miles per hour and I just couldn't get it to stop. I thought I was in a bad dream that was made up of nurses and doctors constantly in my face trying to tell me baby wasn't ok. We had to meet with a geneticist (a very awkward and non personable, geneticist). I had nurses telling me, 48 hours into being post-partum, that Austin and I should join support groups at the hospital and connect with other parents who were in our same situation. Umm...what? Huh? Wait...what situation? I was so confused. I didn't know what was going on. Not to mention, I cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn't feed my baby because she wouldn't take a bottle, much less nurse her. The worst part was having to leave her in the hospital over night while I went home. It is all kinds of wrong to have to leave the hospital without your baby. 

That one night was the start of a near month-long stay in the NICU for Landree. I wish I could say that at least I felt more peace with her there. Not really. The doctors were good, but in my opinion, not thorough enough with my Landree. They were a bit harsh at times and their bedside manner needed a lot of tweaking. 

The nurses were our saving grace, as well as the sweet couple who Landree shared a room with their baby boy. I had someone who could relate to my frustrations. Coming up to the hospital every day. Pumping every three hours behind a curtain. Our lives being controlled by beeping monitors and obsessed with our babies "bradying." I will always be in awe of God's awesome hand in that situation. Landree and Wyatt (her roomie) went home on the same day. Their circumstances were completely unrelated and they even had different doctors. There's no rhyme or reason to how they got to leave on the same day, but I just figure that God knew neither one of us could handle, emotionally, a new room mate. 

I still remember the day like it was yesterday. One of the doctors that I actually did like called me one late afternoon. I remember I had passed out cold from the mental and physical exhaustion of making 2-3 trips a day to the NICU and juggling being a full time mom to a two year old. I woke up out of a dead sleep when my phone rang. My heart dropped when I saw it was the NICU. I knew that we were waiting Landree's blood results to come back from all of the genetic testing they did. Sure enough, they found a chromosonal deletion in her blood. Dr. Kahn hadn't even heard of the syndrome related to her chromosone issue. She was googling it, and had me do the same.

Big mistake.

Of course I already felt strangely out of body from my hard sleep that googling an unheard of syndrome made it all the more surreal. My heart dropped as I read websites, articles and looked at pictures of kids/babies with the same syndrome. I felt like I was living a nightmare. 

Why? Why my baby? Why did this have to happen? I was mad. I was mad because MEAN Dr. Treene...forgive me...that's a nick-name I will always have for her....looked me in the eye and so cold-heartedly told me, "There's something wrong with your baby." She might as well have pulled a huge dagger from her scrubs and stabbed me in the heart. It probably would have hurt less.

No mother wants to hear those words. I was in denial. I felt they had it wrong. I became upset with the staff and the nurses. I felt like my baby was being labeled and everyone felt sorry for her and me. I didn't want that. There was nothing to feel sorry about. I had a beautiful baby and no one was going to change that.

To say that I've been positive and go with the flow would be a lie. I regret to say that a large part of this year I have been pessimistic and a little un accepting of things. Never unaccepting of my beautiful girl or who she is, but unaccepting of the syndrome itself. I've refused to let it define her and who she's going to be. I might have let that mentality take over a little too much.

Lucky for me, I have a God who is unfailing and never leaves my side. I have a God who is on my side. I have a God who is on Landree's side. With Him I'm able to have hope. I also have a husband who instills wisdom, love and scripture in my heart and mind. With his outlook and support, I've been able to become more accepting and handle the situation in a much more positive and proactive light.

I relinquished control to God and He has this now. He has this beautiful, precious gift in His loving hands. Praise God for this! 

Praise God for blessing me with my sweet girl and her absolutely magnetic personality and smile. She can brighten a room. Literally, brighten it. 

Thank you, Lord, for this gift. This most beautiful, precious, sweet, pure and joyful gift.