Landree's Stay in the NICU: Day 4

April 10, 2012

The morning had started out promising with Landree's feedings. Her goal had been moved up to take 50 ml/cc by bottle in 20-30 minutes. I started out feeding her and she took 40 ml/cc. It was a lot, but not enough. I was a little discouraged by it, but 40 ml/cc is still good! Not only that, but she started out awake. Love, love, love this little face.

After the morning feeding, she started regressing on them. She would only take 15-20 ml/cc maximum. This frustrated me. I felt that if I could get her to take 40 - why couldn't the nurses. Moms tend to think they know everything about their babies, you know.

I had heard that the geneticist had been in that morning and had ordered another round of genetic testing to see what the underlying cause was of her not eating, gaining weight, etc... I was thrilled about this. My thoughts were they were hell bent on finding something wrong with her. Couldn't she just be a sleepy baby? Couldn't being born three weeks early throw her for a loop? Why does there have to be an underlying genetic issue? All these things were going through my head.

I stayed for a few hours and then headed home to be with AB for a while before I went back. On my way home I got a phone call from the Neonatologist that was working for the rest of the week. I had high expectations because we loved the one who initially started caring for Landree. She was just calling to introduce herself and let me know that she was going to keep a watch on Landree, but overall she looked fine, her vitals were good - she just wasn't eating. It was a piece of encouraging news I was going to take, but I couldn't help but feel reserved about it. This has been the pattern with this pregnancy and, now, ever since Landree has been born. Doctors will tell me things are fine, and then pull back the reigns and change their mind. It's an extremely emotionally draining process we've been going through.

After dinner, Laura came over to watch AB and play with her for a little bit. I'm very thankful for her because then were able to go back to the hospital for her 9:00 pm feeding. When we got there I learned that all day her feedings were weak. She was taking 15-20 ml/cc max. Why???? It was at this point that I realized, she really is regressing. I felt so defeated. Again, I felt back at square one with it. What is wrong with her? Why won't she eat? Why is she so sleepy?

Austin and I left there feeling discouraged over the whole thing, as well as just really tired. I was still clinging to the hope she will perk up and get better. So after a bottle feeding and some cuddle time. We left the hospital in hopes for a much, much better day tomorrow.

This sweet little face just keeps me going. I love her so much.

Landree's Stay in the NICU: Day 3

April 9, 2012

As I got up this morning in preparation for this 9:00 am feeding, my prayer was that last night was just a fluke. Since it was the end of the day, she was just tired from it all. Even though, all she does is lie there and sleep. I was praying for a better morning. 

I arrived this morning and she had actually already eaten. The OT that I worked with before she was admitted into the hospital had already been by to evaluate her, this meant she had to feed her. To my disappointment, she only had 30 ml/cc for her. Her goal for the day, 45 ml/cc in 25-30 min. It pained me that she was 15 ml/cc off from reaching this goal. Since she had already eaten, we just spent the next couple of hours cuddling. She's good for that!

I was hoping that if I stuck around until her 12:00 noon feeding she would open her eyes and wake up, ready for a bottle, even though this was supposed to be a gavauge feeding. No such luck, she just slept...and slept and slept.

Austin and I had been discussing our "plan" while she's in the NICU. Going up three times a day is killing us in gas and parking money. So, we decided that I would go up in the morning, spend a couple, few hours with her. Then my afternoon (which normally I would up for the 3:00 pm) could be spent with AB. I know she's fine, but I can't help but feel guilty. Staying in the afternoon made me feel like I was actually getting to see her. The last few days, I feel like I've just loved on her and hugged her in passing. It's a sad feeling. So, I would call in the afternoon to check on her, and then Austin would go up at 9:00 pm for her night feeding. It was hard, but I thought this was the best plan for both our kids right now.

I called at about 4:00 to see how her 3:00 feeding went - praying for some good news, something to encourage me. No such luck. She had 35 ml/cc in about 25 minutes. *sigh* This was not what I wanted to hear. So, my evening was a sad one. I just want her to do better!

So, I thought I was going to be ok spending my few hours with her the first part of the day and then sending Austin off at night. Nope. I didn't do well. The closer it got for him to go up to the hospital, I just lost it. I bawled and bawled. We decided just to pack up AB and we'd all go up there. We would just take turns going into her room and loving on her. So, this is what we did.

When we got there, I went in first to change her diaper, take her temp and do the things we do before she eats. When I walked in, to my surprise, I found that Landree has a new roommate! He's a cute one, too. His parents were in there with him and very sweet. He's having the same issues as Landree right now. However, he is a lot more premature than she is. Austin came back in to feed Landree. I thought for sure she'd do better with Mommy and/or Daddy feeding her. No such luck again - she didn't meet her goal. She just had 40 ml/cc. It's always the last 5 or 10 ml/cc that is the hardest, because by this point - she's done. She's OUT and ready for sleep. I'm hoping and praying for better news tomorrow. I'm praying it just clicks with her.

In my mind, her stay in the NICU was going to be one or two days. Now, I don't know. I'm very grateful for the outpouring of words of encouragement, prayers and meals that people are providing us. Austin and I feel so incredibly blessed to have amazing friends who take care of us. I seriously sit around wondering how it is possible to show my gratitude to everyone who has been so wonderful.

Please continue to pray for my girl. I would love to get there in the morning and she had an amazing night of feedings.

Landree's Stay in the NICU: Day 2

April 8, 2012

Day two in the NICU just so happened to be Easter. This wasn't exactly the way I thought our family was going to spend Easter. I was prepared to have a newborn and most likely spend the day at home, seeing as that I would probably be a sleep-deprived mama. However, God had other plans for this little angel. I hope this pose meant she was thinking about waking up and eating!

I was very encouraged when I went up for her 9:00 am feeding. I went to the desk and told them my name and they informed me she had been moved. My heart dropped. Where this time? The lady at the front desk told me she had been moved to the "other side" of the NICU. She went on to tell me that when they are moved to the "other side" it usually means they are doing better and getting ready to go home. Praise Jesus! This was music to my ears! They let me in and I found her in her new room. She had a huge room all to herself. I couldn't wait to scoop her up and cuddle her!

We did her first feeding and she did great! She took 40 ml/cc in about 20 minutes. This was major progress! I was feeling really encouraged. She ate well, her suck seemed a lot stronger and she seemed more alert to me, also. I absolutely can't get enough her sweet little cheeks and face. Her sweet smell is intoxicating to me. If I could I would stay there 24-7.

I was able to feed her, love on her and still make it back home to grab my other two loves to make it to church. This was an incredible blessing. If you know me, you know that my church/faith family means everything to me. Those wonderful people and their love for the Lord is what got me up, ready, and wanting to go worship just five days after giving birth. I couldn't have been more happy to do so. Not only that, but my poor, neglected two year old was able to participate in the egg hunt at church. I feel like her Easter just slipped away from me.

After church we went back up to the hospital. We brought AB so my parents met us up there to watch her for a little bit while Austin and I got to feed her together. Then they were able to come back after the feeding. This was another good feeding. She took, again, about 40 ml/cc in about 20-25 minutes. Again, feeling really encouraged by her progress. The Neonatologist stopped in to talk to us. He told us that everyday he was going to increase her intake about 5 ml/cc. He warned us, it might seem like they are setting her up for failure, but if she isn't pushed to take a large amount in a decent time, she may not meet her goals. He said her jaundice levels were still slightly increasing, but still nothing too serious, and they weren't high enough to put her under the lamp. He told us that he would like as much bottle feedings as possible. So if she was scheduled to have a gavauge feeding and she happened to be awake and alert before that feeding, he wanted her to have a bottle instead. I felt that it was a lot, but I liked that they are being aggressive in their expectations for her. Tough love - that's what I call it.

Even though she wasn't in a pretty, frilly Easter dress, we still got an Easter picture together. I think she's gorgeous - even in that silly little while t-shirt.

I came back by myself for the 9:00 pm feeding. It was at this feeding that I started getting discouraged. This feeding, she only had about 35 ml/cc in 25 minutes. There was no getting anymore down her. She was OUT like a light. When this kid falls asleep, she is asleep. She is just so lethargic from being three weeks early and the jaundice. Not only was she not meeting her goal of 40 ml/cc, but she was still losing weight. How could this be? Only half of her 8 feedings a day were bottle, so she wasn't exerting that much energy. So, I left that night feeling like I'm just that much farther from getting her home. In some ways, I wish the lady at the front desk hadn't told me that being moved to the "other side" meant she was going to get to come home soon. This absolutely got my hopes way up. I felt that maybe we would be taking her in the next day or two. After this feeding, I'm not so sure anymore.

Nope, this Easter wasn't what I expected at all. I can say this for it, though. God's love for us must be so incredibly great. Here, he sent His son to be tortured, put on that cross and die for us. He sacrificed His only child for all of us. Wow. I think about doing that. I think about sacrificing my own children for so many unloving, undeserving human beings - ummm...no thank you. I'm thankful for the sacrifice all so that we can be with Him in heaven some day. That's incredible. I'm trying to be thankful for all the small trials in my life. I am thankful for them because I know that God has a greater purpose and all I can do is trust in His purpose and plan. Landree does not belong to me. Annabelle does not belong to me. They are both His. So, they're lives are in His hands, and I will surrender all control to Him. They're good hands to be in.

Landree's Stay in the NICU: Day 1

April 7, 2012

I was discharged from the hospital on Thursday. This was the same day that Landree was supposed to be discharged also. After carefully watching her jaundice, keeping a close eye on her breathing and monitoring her feedings, her pediatrician felt that it was best to keep her another night. Luckily, they were able to set me up in a courtesy room to spend another night with her. 

Thursday night was a difficult night. Her feedings were really difficult to get through, she was fussy, and spit up a lot. I was by myself...I felt really discouraged. 

Friday morning Austin and Annabelle came back up in hopes that we were ALL going home that day. Later that morning her pediatrician came back in and decided that he wanted to do further monitoring. So, another day in the hospital for Miss Landree. Friday was a really, really difficult day. We had doctors  and nurses, OT, Lactation consultants in and out of the room. Landree's suck was weak and she needed a lot of support with her feedings. It was draining. The hospital wasn't sure if they could put me up in a room that night or not. I felt it was best to go home, anyway. She was being monitored in the nursery anyway and Annabelle needed her Mommy. So Friday night, very heavy-hearted, we packed up our stuff and left around 10:00 that night without our baby girl. It was the most depressing departure. No mom being wheeled out by the nurse in the broad daylight,  with baby in tow, while Daddy gets the car and we load up and bring our baby girl home. Instead it was Mommy and Daddy carrying all of our things out to the car at night, with no baby. This had to have been the saddest day of my life. I'm pretty sure all I did Friday night and into the morning was cry. Keeping in mind here, pregnancy hormones are in full swing by this point - not a good combination.

Saturday morning, Austin and I dropped AB off at Amy's house for a day of playing with Emme. AB was so excited - she could've cared less about being away from us. Austin and I headed up to the hospital that morning to see her in the nursery and do a 9:00 feeding. I had missed a call from the pediatrician on call that day, but called the nursery to let them know we would be there. That's when they informed me they had moved her to the NICU. My heart sank. The NICU? That's a place for really sick babies...right? I knew it might have been a possibility, but it was hard to not get a warning first.

When we arrived at the NICU, the nurse on duty was holding her and "assessing" her feeding situation. She agreed she was way too lethargic and put in a tube so she could be fed by gavauge feedings. One of the things I hated was that silly tube down her nose. I knew it was to build up her nutrition, but seeing my baby free of wires and tubes was what I wanted. 

We felt very comforted by the staff at the NICU and I absolutely loved the Neonatologist. He came in and talked to us for a long time about Landree. He felt that she needed to work on her suck, breathing and to have a certain amount of milliliters in a certain amount of time. We were encouraged, for the most part, by his report.

Austin and I stayed in the NICU almost the whole day and just loved on our girl and fed her when it was time for a bottle.

I came back that night to do her last nine 'o' clock feeding. She did well, but was still really sleepy. Once again, I fed my baby, loved on her a while and left her in the care of nurses and doctors. Leaving her is the worst feeling. I know this is best, she needs to get up her strength before she comes home. I just wish she'd do it soon.

Last Day as a Family of Three

Today was a bittersweet day. It was wonderful knowing that tomorrow, I will be bringing another life into this world, a sister for Annabelle, but so hard knowing that it was our last day as a family of three. Not to say at all I'm upset our family would be growing - we tried and tried for this baby so bad! We are already in love with her, but how strange it will be to go from one to two kiddos. So, we made today all about AB and whatever she wanted to do. Well...all she wanted to do was go spend the night at Emme's house. Which is totally fine, but that's what she's going to do anyway when I go in the hospital. So, we had to sort of plan out her day for her.

We started off at the park. This has become her favorite thing to do. She loves being outside and playing on the playground. I made sure I captured it today.

Talk about love. How I love this guy and his sweet relationship with Annabelle. It makes my heart want to burst just thinking about how he is going to be with two of them! He is going to love, love, love his girls.

I felt  bad because our day was interrupted by one last sonogram/doctor's appointment in the middle of the day. So, after the park we went to Chick-fil-A and had a nice lunch and AB got to play some more. Oh, and yes, my child was that kid in CFA today that had the meltdown when it was time to leave. Welcome to the twos, right? After the meltdown, we headed to my doctor's appointment and saw Miss Landree Claire one more time before we actually get to meet her. Today's appointment was refreshing as Dr. McClintock said she liked what she saw on the sono today. Her brain is starting to look more "normal" than it has in a long time. Praise God! That eased our anxieties a little bit for tomorrow. After the appointment, we went to do a little birthday shopping for our favorite Aunt Jill, whose birthday is the day after Landree's. Had my FAVORITE ice cream at Pacuigo, and then headed home for a nap.

When we got home, Courtney came by to help me do some last minute things in Landree's room. She snapped these pictures of our little Family of three before she left.

I'm nervous about being a mom of two, but oh so blessed. I can't complain. I love being a mom and when you're married to the world's best dad, it makes it all that much better.

Two and Half Years Old

My Precious Annabelle,

It is so hard for Mommy to believe that two and a half years since your birth has gone by! I can't even begin to believe how big you're getting. It seems like just yesterday we were taking your one month picture with that sweet, pink teddy bear. Now, here you are holding and cuddling that bear, because you are by far bigger than it now!

You bring Daddy and I so much joy. I'm pretty sure a day doesn't go by where Daddy and I look at each other and say, "Where did she get that from?" or "Who are you!?!" because everyday you do something to amaze us. You are so incredibly smart and so in-tune to people's emotions and tones.

You make us laugh all the time, and do the sweetest things and make the cutest faces. I can't get enough of you.

It's a silly realization, but looking at you the other day, it dawned on me you have all of your teeth, now. Before, you had those sweet little spaces in between your teeth, but now they are all together and it gives you the sweetest smiles. I used to say I'd hate it when you got teeth, because I was going to miss those wonderful, gummy smiles. Now, I'm going to miss those sweet baby teeth when they start to fall out.

You've really developed a lot of favorites. You definitely have your preferences of movies, tv shows and music. You and Daddy have the cutest little relationship when it comes to music. I think it's a special bond you two will always share. Daddy has always had a love and flare for music and different bands. I think you have the same love.

Your favorite movie at this age is Mary Poppins. I'm so thrilled because it's one of Mommy's AND Daddy's favorites, too. We literally have no qualms about putting it on for you because it is such a sweet and peaceful movie. Daddy even confessed the other day that he thinks there will come a time in your life (probably when you're about to move off to college), that he doesn't think he'll be able to watch Mary Poppins ever again. When I asked him why, he said because the music will remind him of this sweet time of your life, and it will just be too much. I would have to agree. You really are at the funnest age. You are constantly making us laugh or melting our hearts with something sweet to say.

The other day, you decided to watch Mary Poppins half naked on the couch. I had to snap a picture of it because it reminded me of the stories Nana tells about Daddy, who when he was about three or four, would come home from day care, strip down to nothing, and go watch the Wizard of Oz - his favorite movie.

I love your sweet creativity and love for anything musical. You're very fascinated with pianos, xylophones, and guitars...which you call violins. So cute.

Your sweet smile is absolutely infectious, and it seems you warm the hearts of anyone who is around you.  

Oh, how I love your sweet face and the sweet things you say. I could never get tired of hearing you say, "Mommy." Your sweet little world is about to get a little rocked here in a couple months when your baby sister, Landree gets here. I have little reservation that you aren't going to be a great big sister. I know you will do your best to help and do what you can at this age. I'm slightly worried you will feel a little left out and unloved at times - which of course is completely not the case. I think it will just take a little time to adjust. However, you have been a big help in getting Landree's room ready for her arrival, and have been telling me how you are going to help: give her a bath, put her 'jamas on, feed her a bottle...it's so sweet to hear you say these things.

Two and a half years have flown by, but you are really developing such a sweet little Christ-like heart already. Every night we pray first you, then me. You pray for our church, you pray for people at our church, you never forget to pray for Landree, Mommy and Daddy, and recently, in your prayers, you are thankful for Target. Cracks me up!! I love it!

AB, thank you for being a bright spot in Mommy and Daddy's lives. I have no doubt you are going to be an amazing big sister and an amazing Christ-like young woman some day. Oh, how I love you!!!

Happy two and a half years!

Love you,

Mommy



32 Weeks

Oh, 32 weeks. What do I say about my 32nd week? Well, if I wasn't stressed before, I am now. At 32 weeks my blood work showed that I had a condition called Cholestasis. Cholestasis is where my liver isn't producing any or enough bile which causes serious itching (especially on my hands and feet), hence what prompted me to call my doctor and she instructed me to come have blood work done. Although the itching is dreadful enough to make me want to be put into a medically induced coma so I don't have to deal with it, the hard part is it poses more of a risk of stillborn for Landree. So, at this week is when Dr. McClintock instructed me to come in twice a week (yes, I said TWICE a week) to have sonos taken to makes sure Landree is practicing her breathing and making enough movements that they feel comfortable with.You would think I would be overjoyed getting to see my baby twice a week. However, when they found fluid on her brain at 26 weeks, I've been forced to watch it stay put and not hear much good news about it every time I go in. God is good, though. The fluid on one of her ventricles has gone back to normal, which the other one has stayed the same. That is a praise, and I'll take it. Due to the Cholestasis, they've decided to go on ahead and take her at 37 weeks. So, I'll be induced on the morning of April 3rd. Crazy to think about.

A few weeks back, they also located a cyst on her brain. Really? Seriously? Something else?!?! Dr. M told me not to worry about it, as to where it didn't really affect the function of her brain. I'm just going with the "not going to worry about it" mentality. As Austin says to me, I'm not control of it anyway. No use worrying about it. I have given it to God. The truth is, this baby doesn't really belong to me. She belongs to Him. So, therefore, I've given all of these worries and issues, and her to Him. He will do as He sees fit. God is good all the time.

Other than that, at 32 weeks, physically (aside from the itching), I feel great. I still have energy and I'm not tired until about 8:00 at night. So take a good look, folks. This is probably the last picture I'll be taking. I'm having her at 37 weeks, anyway, and I'll take my final picture then. 

I'm learning to thank God even in through the hard times. I am thankful for these "storms" in my life. They are teaching me things about being faithful and dependent on Him. Thank you, Jesus, for these lessons and for these trials; because of them, I can learn to trust you more.