Let The Healing Begin

Grieving. It's a funny thing. Everyone does it differently. One thing I've learned through this time, you have to do it in your own way, the only way that will help you get through it the best you can. In the last week I have grieved by, eating my weight in nothing but junk food, consuming 2-3 glasses of red wine at night, crying myself to sleep, sleeping a lot, wanting to talk about it, not wanting to talk about it, wanting to be around people, not wanting to be around people, and loving on Annabelle as if there were no tomorrow.

*Sigh*

I'm ready to move on and heal.

Will I ever completely heal from the pain of losing the child I never knew? Probably not. But I have noticed each day is a little better. There are two books/devotionals that are getting me through everyday, and I'm thankful for the sweet friends who gave them to me.

My best friend gave me Jesus Calling a year ago, and it's perfect just for the troubles of everyday life and to know how we can rely on Jesus to get us through the day. My sweet friend, Myka, who has had several miscarriages herself, bought me the book Grieving the Child I Never Knew. I've loved reading Jesus' word through the eyes of the two ladies who wrote these two devotionals. It doesn't make you feel quite so alone in the world.

Anyway, I'm ready to begin the healing process and that means getting back to it. I don't want to blog about my sadness, anymore. I want to blog about the good things in my life. Like, how about the amazing photo shoot we had taken for our Christmas card? Wow! The pictures turned out amazing, and I want to share a few of them. If I could, I would post all 103 pictures...but that would be a very picture heavy post. So, here's one that sums up the whole shoot. Love! Love. Love. Love. My, how we love this girl, and each other. And how much we would love Baby #2. 

Austin was just saying the other day how glad he was that we did this photo shoot. Even though we never got to meet our sweet Baby #2, he's happy that we had all four of our picture taken together. We'll always look back fondly at this shoot as looking forward to being parents for the second time, and how excited we were. This Baby, though we never had a chance to meet, will always be very special and near to our hearts.

It is Because of These Two...

...and lots of prayer that has gotten me through the last few days. So thankful for them.

An Unexpected Post

This post was NOT on my "Blogging To-Do's". In fact, I've never dreaded blogging so much.

After a couple of friends have had the devastating loss of miscarrying their babies, I called my doctor today out of sheer paranoia. I told them that I didn't "feel" pregnant; no fatigue, nausea - nothing. They told me to come in for a sono just to take a look. Sure enough, my sweet little ten week old baby had no heartbeat in it's little bitty body. I was in utter disbelief. My baby? My baby I've prayed over and longed to have? It couldn't be. Not only that, but this would make miscarriage number 3 in the last three weeks. What is going on?

The experience was, of course, extremely devastating but I had the sweetest sonogram technician who hugged me and even cried for me. Then my doctor's nurse brought me a box of tissues and escourted me to my doctor's office so I would have some privacy. I needed it. I cried and cried. I was by myself, but I was kind of glad. I would've hated for Austin to have seen that still little fetus with no heartbeat. Sometimes, his heart is more sensitive than mine. He, of course, came to me once he got the call. My doctor sat beside me and talked to me for a bit. I'm thankful for her. I'm thankful for her because she's honest and frank, but very understanding.

My doctor didn't make me wait around to do any more talking or make an appointment. She just told me to go. I went down to the lobby to wait for Austin. It was very surreal - I was in my "happy place". I've always loved going to Medical City, building C. That is the place where I'd go to get sonograms to see a healthy baby. To hear sweet heartbeats and hear that things were going well. It all of a sudden became a place of saddness and sickness. I sat there watching people come on and off the elevators. Some looked sick, some looked normal...and some were pregnant. After such a loss, it feels like your world is falling down around you. Everything appears negative and sad. I hate feeling this way.

Austin met me in the lobby and just hugged me. I'm most thankful for a patient and loving husband. I could not get through anything without him. Austin and I went together to pick up Annabelle. That was the day brightener. I at that point remembered my purpose in life and tried not to dwell on the life that was lost. I've always known losing a baby was devestating unlike any other. I did not meet this baby. Never even felt this baby. But yet, loved it so much. I'm sticking to my faith that God has different plans, and all will be ok. I am thankful for all He has given me...especially my sweet Husband and precious AB.

I will endure this storm and I will heal. I just wish I didn't have to. My mom sent me a message with a quote that makes so much sense and will help me through this time.

"God's ways are mysterious. But His ways are always right."

Amen.

Christmas Time is Here: Christmas at the Williams'

I look forward to this Christmas tradition almost as much as I do Christmas day. It's such a fun time for the Williams, Davie, Hamlin, Gooch, Freeman and Aldrich families to come together and celebrate 30 plus years of Christmas party fun!

This year was particularly exciting because this was Drake's first Christmas party! Last Christmas he was still in him Mommy's belly and we just couldn't wait for him to get here! This was also Harper's first Christmas party! She was only a few weeks old, and we're so glad that Nicole decided to make the trip up so they could be here!

The kids had so much fun playing together. In fact, I'm pretty sure AB was enjoying herself too much, because when we made the babies sit down to take pictures, well, AB threw a bit of a fit. *Sigh* Yes, this is what my strong-willed child does to let us know she would rather be doing something else. However, it's not everyday all three of these kiddos get to be photographed together, so she was just going to have to get over it. She did well, at first, when picture taking was on her terms. We even got a few "cheese" faces. Drake, however, was so good natured and just sat there and let us photograph him as much as we wanted. I couldn't get enough of that sweet face.

Then begins the melt down. I loved how Drake put his little arm out and "patted" AB on the back. He couldn't figure out this girl's problem. I can tell you, D-R-A-M-A. That's a girl for you. He was so sweet to "comfort" her. And of course, you have go-with-the-flow Audrey who is happy no matter what. She, too, couldn't wrap her mind around my screaming child.

After snapping pictures for a few minutes straight, you can imagine how we lost them in the picture-taking process. They were done.

Don't worry. Christian brought out the reinforcements. Cookies! Of course, cookies will solve any problem! It worked, too. We had lost Audrey, and the cookies brought her back.

The kids managed to suffer through some more picture-taking to get some with the Mommies. The picture with Nicole, Jenna, and our sweet babies (minus Harper), means the world to me.

The grandmothers and grand kids had their pictures taken, too.

After opening presents, we put AB, Audrey and Drake in their matching pajamas. Loved it! There's nothing better than a snugly baby and toddler in their pj's. Seeing them all dressed the same melted my heart. However, these pictures are evidence that we had worn them out. Especially Drake.

I had to steal that sweet baby away for a few pictures with him. This was only the second or third time we had met. He has such a sweet demeanor. He gets it from his sweet Mommy. I love the pictures where he's holding on to my face. Such a snuggler.

Again, we tried to get some more pictures of the kids (minus Harper), this time in their Christmas pajamas. Leave it up to my child to protest (again). Sheesh.

Audrey picking her nose, Drake's happy-go-lucky grin and AB's fit throwing, absolutely makes this picture worth 1,000 bucks!

Fun times had by all! How I love these Christmas parties. They just seem to be getting better and better!

A Visit to See Miss Harper Marie

When Nicole had Audrey, she was nearly seven weeks before Austin and I were able to make it down to Houston to meet her. Not that six weeks is "all grown up" by any means, but they aren't brand new anymore at that point. So, when Harper was born, I made sure that we made it down as soon as we could to meet this sweet angel. Unfortunately, my camera charger is MIA so we'll have to settle for my Blackberry camera to take the pictures, for now. Here is what I snapped of Harper, and I loved to see how AB wanted to be with her. It made me excited for when she becomes a big sister!



We had a lot of fun hanging out with the Gooch girls! Audrey is a fabulous big sister and I'm sure AB could take a few tips from her, when it's her turn.

There's Always Time For a Good Book...

 ...even if you can't read and the book is upside down. When I walked into my room and saw AB laid out, relaxing and reading one of my favorite Eloise Wilkin books, I had to grab the camera. This girl loves books. I did, too, at her age. In fact, the first time I "read" this book, I was probably about her age. I love that she has the same love for books that I did.

15 Month Well Visit

Annabelle's 15 month well visit went wonderfully! She's a growing girl, even if the stats don't show it in all areas. She's always been inconsistent in this way. Some months, she'll show that she's right on target in all areas. Other visits, it's like she has completely slowed down and is behind the game. But Dr. Straughn said she looked great. She weighed 21 lbs 6oz (26%), Height was 30'' (48%) and head circumference was 17 1/2 (24%). Dr. Straughn sat through all of my questions and my motherly concerns. We discussed strategies for a picky eater, discipline for my child who rolls her eyes. Yes. I said rolls her eyes!  I don't know how, but my 15 month old already knows how to roll her eyes at her mother and father. Heaven help us. We also discussed how much longer to have the paci. And of course, who could forget the picture with Dr. Straughn at all of our appointments. Even though she's not smiling, she loves him.



My favorite thing about Dr. Straughn is the time he spends listening to me talk and answering my questions. I also love that Annabelle never cries when he tries to listen to her chest, check her nose, ears, throat, etc. She doesn't necessarily like it, but she does like him because she doesn't throw a fit (like she does with the other doctors). He has such a gentle, calming spirit about him. I guess it's because he has four boys at home. He's learned to be calm and patient. Another good visit. Stay tuned for the 18 month visit!