An Unexpected Post

This post was NOT on my "Blogging To-Do's". In fact, I've never dreaded blogging so much.

After a couple of friends have had the devastating loss of miscarrying their babies, I called my doctor today out of sheer paranoia. I told them that I didn't "feel" pregnant; no fatigue, nausea - nothing. They told me to come in for a sono just to take a look. Sure enough, my sweet little ten week old baby had no heartbeat in it's little bitty body. I was in utter disbelief. My baby? My baby I've prayed over and longed to have? It couldn't be. Not only that, but this would make miscarriage number 3 in the last three weeks. What is going on?

The experience was, of course, extremely devastating but I had the sweetest sonogram technician who hugged me and even cried for me. Then my doctor's nurse brought me a box of tissues and escourted me to my doctor's office so I would have some privacy. I needed it. I cried and cried. I was by myself, but I was kind of glad. I would've hated for Austin to have seen that still little fetus with no heartbeat. Sometimes, his heart is more sensitive than mine. He, of course, came to me once he got the call. My doctor sat beside me and talked to me for a bit. I'm thankful for her. I'm thankful for her because she's honest and frank, but very understanding.

My doctor didn't make me wait around to do any more talking or make an appointment. She just told me to go. I went down to the lobby to wait for Austin. It was very surreal - I was in my "happy place". I've always loved going to Medical City, building C. That is the place where I'd go to get sonograms to see a healthy baby. To hear sweet heartbeats and hear that things were going well. It all of a sudden became a place of saddness and sickness. I sat there watching people come on and off the elevators. Some looked sick, some looked normal...and some were pregnant. After such a loss, it feels like your world is falling down around you. Everything appears negative and sad. I hate feeling this way.

Austin met me in the lobby and just hugged me. I'm most thankful for a patient and loving husband. I could not get through anything without him. Austin and I went together to pick up Annabelle. That was the day brightener. I at that point remembered my purpose in life and tried not to dwell on the life that was lost. I've always known losing a baby was devestating unlike any other. I did not meet this baby. Never even felt this baby. But yet, loved it so much. I'm sticking to my faith that God has different plans, and all will be ok. I am thankful for all He has given me...especially my sweet Husband and precious AB.

I will endure this storm and I will heal. I just wish I didn't have to. My mom sent me a message with a quote that makes so much sense and will help me through this time.

"God's ways are mysterious. But His ways are always right."

Amen.