Go Cowboys!

One of the best things about little girls is just the fun of dressing them up...for no reason! However, I think dressing them up on a day the Cowboys play, is a reason! 

LC got two sweet Cowboys onsies and a huge, pink Cowboys bow from Aunt Britny, so we got all decked out for when Daddy watched the game.

I love my little Cowboys fan!!

Another Hospital Stay

I've been in touch with our favorite OT, Judy, off and on since LC left the NICU. We've made some adjustments to her feedings a little bit, but for the most part, she was still using the bottle like a champ and we were thickening her liquids since she was making some "wet" sounding noises during her feedings. 

After her four month appointment, Dr. Straughn thought that we should have an outpatient visit with the OT just to follow up....her noises just weren't getting any better. Once we met with the OT, we found out I was depriving her of thickener - proud mom moment right there - NOT! I misunderstood the difference in the consistencies, and was giving her less than she needed. So, we changed that and the OT scheduled a swallow study just to see what was going on when she swallowed since she was making those noises.

On August 7th, I dropped AB off with Andrea and LC and I headed to Medical City for what I thought would be a quick evaluation and then we'd be on our way home. I knew the "worst case scenario" just because Dr. Straughn had gone over it with me. I didn't anticipate the "worst case scenario" being the case for Landree because she had been taking her bottle so well. I mean, look at how happy we were before the swallow study!

I was THRILLED because our favorite OT was the one conducting the study. We love Judy! It was a sweet reunion between the two, who hadn't seen each other in nearly three months. By this point, Landree was starving, because I couldn't feed her after a certain time, so she was ready to eat. Judy set her in the little chair to conduct an x-ray of her throat to see what happened when she swallowed. I didn't know what I was looking at necessarily, but once she swallowed the barium, I knew. I knew that what I saw was not good. All the liquid Landree took in, she aspirated. It went straight into her airway. Judy and the doctor freaked out a bit. They upped the consistency of the thickener to see if it made a difference. Nope. Not at all. My poor baby was silently aspirating her fluids. I had no idea. I felt terrible. I was shaking. 

I could tell by the look in Judy's face...we were headed for an alternative way of eating. Probably a G-tube. I wanted to cry.

They got Landree a room on the pediatric floor, and it seemed like we waited for an eternity for somebody to call an order in for this poor baby to get some food!!! The nurse came in and put in a feeding tube. No, not again. I had some serious flashbacks to the NICU. How could it be? It seemed like we were taking five steps back, not leaping forward. My sweet baby girl who came home from the NICU eating like a champ, was back to eating through a tube. Bless her heart. I could tell she was agitated by it.

We waited forever for the doctor. She came in and told us we needed to try out the NG tube for a couple months, then we'd re-evaluate and do another swallow study to see if things had improved. I asked if it had to do with her syndrome. She said, "probably." I can't tell you how much I hate that response. No doctors have a darn clue if what Landree has is syndrome related or not.

So, I took comfort in the fact she wasn't going to have surgery...not right away, anyway. I just had to mentally prepare myself for learning how to put in and take out the NG tube myself. I was NOT looking forward to that.

Poor baby girl had had a long day. Luckily, her favorite people came up and brought her a sweet little present. Thanks, Lexi. She loves her soft, comfy dog.

We stayed in the hospital one night. Both Austin and I learned how to put the tube in and take it out just fine. So, they gave us a feeding pump, supplies and sent us on our way. So, now our sweet LC has a new accessory, but luckily her cuteness factor is enough to overlook it. I'm thanking God for His mercy and grace. Who knows how long she had been aspirating, and how thankful I am she didn't stop breathing, get pneumonia or breathing problems because of it. If this doesn't prove that she's a strong little cookie, I don't know what will.

Thankful for our little miracle. Love her so much!

4 Months Old

Happy Four Months to my Sweet Angel!

 

 

You just get sweeter and sweeter everyday! You've really started developing such an awesome personality. I mean, check out your pose!

 

You are such a gift to Mommy and Daddy, LC. I've said it all along, you're here to teach me/us something, and I find you are doing that a little bit everyday. Yes, we do have to take each day one day at a time. Otherwise, I tend to get very anxious and wrapped up in what you are or aren't doing. However, even though there are some things you aren't "developmentally" doing, you seem to make up for them in the best ways. First of all, that smiley face! That sweet, precious smiley face! 

 

This month is really where your smiles started shining through -  a lot! You were smiling here and there at three months, but this month you started smiling on demand and for the camera - my favorite. Also, this is where we noticed your alertness hit an all new level. You are so aware of everything. Especially Mommy. We are still really close.

Oh, how I love dressing you up! I thought it would be super fun to dress you up in your big sister's hand-me-downs, but I find that I love dressing you in new things! I guess I thought I would sort of relive your sister's infancy by dressing you in her clothes, but you are your own baby and I like new things for you! Including the going home dress that Bebe originally made you to come home in. That's not what you ended up wearing, but it was fun taking your picture in it!

We see Dr. Straughn on a monthly basis just to make sure that you are growing like you're supposed to and gaining weight. Well, you have no problem growing, length wise, but the chunking up that you need to work on a little bit, sweet girl. However, Mommy loves you anyway you are. I love your sweet, soft flabby skin that isn't filled out by fat yet. Everything about you is precious to me.

I could just eat your sweet face up! You are amazing in every way possible. You're Mommy and Daddy's miracle. We think the world of you! Your big sister does, too! She's still all about hugging and kissing all over you - silly girl. Sometimes she can be a little overbearing, but you handle it really well.

I love your sweet, tiny face, your big brown eyes, button noise and soft skin. I could kiss you all day - and when I go back to work in a couple of weeks, I will miss doing so. We've had a nice long four months together, and that's way more than your sister and I got. I'm so glad I've been able to be home with you for these last four months. We've had our ups and downs, but all of it so worth it just so I can be called your Mama. I love you precious, baby angel.

Our prayer for you is that you will be just who God has intended for you to be. I couldn't ask for anything more. Thank you for being you and teaching Mommy lots of things, already. I love you, Angel!

Love,

Mommy

Tattooing My Testimony

For those of you who know me, and you think that you mis-read the title of this post - you didn't. That's right. I got a tattoo! I did it to share my testimony. My testimony that I really didn't have until Landree was born. So, I wanted to get one - small, dainty and visible so I can share it with people when the ask me about it.

Austin was re-doing his dove tattoo and adding to it as his birthday present. So, last night I met him at the tattoo shop while he got his. I honestly didn't plan on getting one last night because I knew his would take so long. However, the longer I sat there and talked about getting one, Brian, the tattoo artist, convinced me to go on ahead and do it...THAT NIGHT! It freaked me out because I hadn't mentally prepared to do it that night! I've gone three other times in my life with my friends to get a tattoo. All three times I walked out of there without a tattoo. I'm quite the wimp. I also knew I didn't want to get something so permanent unless I had a really strong meaning behind it. I finally do. 

I sat there and watched my handsome, brave hubby get his arm worked on for nearly three hours. Whew, it hurt just watching it, but it looked so amazing! 

Then, it was my turn. Since Brian was busy doing Austin's, Danielle did mine. I'm glad she did. She was VERY gentle and knew how nervous I was. She put it so well before I did it. She asked me if I've ever had a migraine headache. I have. She said, "Well, I'd much rather get a tattoo than have a migraine." Yes, well said! I agree!! It really wasn't that bad at all. A couple of parts of it hurt, but not unbearable.

If you notice, Austin is holding my hand {he took a break to come and hold my hand while I got started - I was REALLY nervous}. I held his hand so tightly, I couldn't move my fingers when he let go. I do have to give myself props - I was very brave. I even let him go back to his chair to finish his tattoo while I was getting mine. Let's just be clear, though. I did call my BFF, Laura, to come up there and hold my hand while I was getting it...but she didn't have a car. So, I did call for re-enforcements.

The end result was pretty amazing.

And Austin's was awesome - it was just slightly bigger than mine....

So glad that I went through with it. I have wanted to share my testimony with others, and I'm happy with the way I'm going to do it.

You Are Faithful, God.

Before reading, please know...

this blog was created for my girls. This is their baby book, of sorts, and the things that are posted are for their memories. There are reasons this blog is "private." I've invited only a few in to share in our memories. I will, on occasion, use the blog as journaling "therapy" for myself. Since Landree was born this is something I enjoy and find that I need to do. Please know that I'm sharing my most personal thoughts and cares. I just ask that if you are reading this, you please hold everything confidential and not share what I have written with others. There is a reason "others" aren't reading what you are right now. If you are reading this, I trust you. I trust you with my feelings. If you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for being someone I trust to be included in my personal life. Please continue to pray for us, as I would like to do the same for you. Feel free to comment. Your comments inspire me. Love to all. - Jen

Not gonna lie, some days...are just hard. Being a mom has to be the most wonderful, yet, most agonizing job in the world. I can't imagine anything more wonderful than being a mother. My girls bring me so much joy, but the love I have for them can be quite overwhelming. It is such a responsibility to be a parent. You are completely in charge of a life that 100% depends on you. I do have to remind myself, often, that I am only their earthly mother, and their Heavenly Father is the one whom they really and truly belong to. At times, this doesn't always ease the load.

When Landree was given to me, and we found out about her condition, it hit me hard. All kinds of questions ran through my head. I didn't understand why she had to have something wrong with her. I didn't understand why God would allow it. I didn't understand why I was given the responsibility. Honestly, I still don't quite understand these things. I get extremely overwhelmed by what the future holds for my sweet Landree. I find myself becoming more and more anxiety-ridden when I think about it. God has to reign me in and remind me that thinking that far ahead into the future is the wrong thing to do. That is why I get anxiety. Taking it one day at a time is what He has commanded. That's really hard. I want it all figured out right here, right now. Lay it all out in front of me, Lord! I want to know your will and what I'm facing here...is that too much to ask?

Some days, I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not worthy of a child with a need such as Landree's. Furthermore, what are her "special" needs? Again. I want to know what it's going to be like. Some days it feels as though she has none. It feels like she's doing everything she should be doing. Other days, I feel like we've taken four or five steps back. These are the days I feel discouraged. The more discouraged I get, the more I feel like I am not worthy of being her mother. I feel like I am doing her a disservice by worrying about every little thing. Literally. Every. Little. Thing. I hate this about myself.

Last week we took Landree for her first OT (occupational therapy) and PT (physical therapy) appointment. I woke that day preparing myself to feel depressed. Anytime we have a doctor's appointment of any sort for Landree, I always hear something that gets me down. Sure enough, we found out that we were depriving her of the amount of thickener she should be receiving in her bottle. I had been giving her WAY less than what she really needed. Then for physical therapy, the PT told me that she was on track with about a one to two month old. What? But she's almost four months. This was disheartening.

I feel like I'm allowing satan to come into my life and lie to me. I feel like I'm letting him win. When I get down about Landree's condition....I let him win. Truth is, God is faithful all the time, and He has a purpose for Landree...and me. I know I've mentioned before, that I didn't really have a testimony until Landree came along. Now I have something to "preach" about and share. She is a wonderful way to share the gospel.

God proved His faithfulness to me through His word tonight. Many of you know, my Jesus Calling devotional, by Sarah Young,  is my saving grace. God speaks to me through this devotional. For some reason, today was hard. Nothing in particular happened today. We didn't have any kind of doctor appointment. In fact, we had a wonderful day with one of my best friends, Jenna. I don't know, really. Sometimes it can be a comment, a stare or just my own issues that can cause my day to be off. I was in a particularly bad mood. I picked a fight with Austin. A really stupid one, and just felt down for the rest of the day. Whatever the reason, I needed a slap in the face. A "wake up call," if you will.

I crawled into bed tonight, exhausted. Simply exhausted. I ached from my head to my toes. My back had an unusually painful twinge in it, my legs and ankles ached, as did my arms. I felt like I was falling apart. I just felt so tired. It probably has a lot to do with lugging around an infant carrier and chasing a two year old and everything else that entails. I don't know, but I felt bad inside and out. As I turned over to go to bed, I cried. I cried about my day. I cried about fighting with my husband. I cried about Landree's needs.  I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad for worrying so much about Landree. Why can't I just accept it? Why can't I just GET THERE???? Why does this have to be so difficult? And why was I chosen to take on all of this?  I'm honored to be here mother, but I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. All of these thoughts, made me feel guilty. I looked over at my Jesus Calling, and satan told me, "Nah. Don't open it. It won't do any good. You're a failure. A failure. Just go to sleep and dwell on it." I listened to him and cried some more. I kept glancing at my devotional. Laziness crept over me and I didn't want to pick it up. I'd already turned out the lights to go to bed. I didn't want to get up. Oh, that satan...he's just so mean. Finally, God's voice broke through, and I listened. He told me to open it up and read it. He was going to provide some comfort to my broken thoughts. I'm glad I listened. Here's today's devotional:

July 31st


"TRUST ME in the depths of your being. It is there that I live in constant communion with you. When you feel flustered and frazzled on the outside, do not get upset with yourself. You are only human, and the swirl of events going on around you will sometimes feel overwhelming. Rather than scolding yourself for your humanness, remind yourself that I am both with you and within you.


I am with you at all times, encouraging and supportive rather than condeming. I know that deep within you, where I live, My peace is your continual experience. Slow down your pace of living for a time. Quiet your mind in My Presence. Then you will be able to hear Me bestowing the resurrection blessing:  Peace be with you."


It couldn't have been more fitting. God reminded me tonight that I am only human, and my finite mind isn't capable of understanding everything that is going on and His perfect plan. I'm not supposed to see it all laid out in front of me like I want it to. I know that these day-by-day experiences are supposed to mold me and make me into the person/Christian He wants me to be.

So yes, today I'm feeling inadequate and worn down. But that's ok. I have the love of my God to get me through and show me His plan and purpose. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on my gift. I'm going to focus on Landree, and try and take each thing as it comes and pray about the solution. I am working on accepting her condition and who she is going to be. I have no doubt that what she is going to be is greatness. But it will be Landree's greatness, in her own way. And I couldn't be more pleased with that.

Thank you, God, for Your faithfulness. You alone are all I need.

The Best Smile {EVER}!!

I don't think any one picture has ever made my heart leap with joy like the one my sweet friend Chelsea took the other night. LC decided to give us a huge gummy smile, and it is by far my most favorite picture. 

Love my sweet LC!

Take Me Out {to My First} Ballgame!

The evening of June 22nd, we headed out to the Ballpark with Nick, Kelly and Alex for AB's first ever, Ranger game! She's been watching the Ranger games with her Daddy for sometime, but only recently has she become interested in it. She'll sit there and root the Rangers on while Austin watches the game. Of course, she refers to them as "the blue team" or depending on the uniform color, "the red team," too. 

I was so excited for her to go! I had to buy her a personalized blinged our Rangers shirt just for the occasion. I love, love this picture of two of my loves. My third love stayed home with Bebe and Papa, and looked for us on t.v.

It was sort of a sad night for Mommy. On our way walking up to the stadium, my Canon Rebel fell out of my camera bag and hit the concrete...hard. I was sick about it. All this right before leaving for our Florida vacation. Well, thank goodness for today's technology and cameras on cell phones. I was still able to capture the night.

AB got to experience some ballpark favorites: cotton candy being one of those. She was a fan.

I loved watching her clap when they made a home run or an awesome play. My favorite part was how she had to point it out to Austin...as if he didn't see it.

During the seventh inning stretch, we headed over to home plate so AB could get her very own "I Attended My First Ranger Game" certificate. Signed by the famous Nolan Ryan, himself {*snicker*}. 

Alex picked up his certificate too...even though this was his fourth or fifth game. 

I'd say overall, she was a pretty happy little Ranger fan. She talks about wanting to go back. I think we can make that happen.