You Are Faithful, God.

Before reading, please know...

this blog was created for my girls. This is their baby book, of sorts, and the things that are posted are for their memories. There are reasons this blog is "private." I've invited only a few in to share in our memories. I will, on occasion, use the blog as journaling "therapy" for myself. Since Landree was born this is something I enjoy and find that I need to do. Please know that I'm sharing my most personal thoughts and cares. I just ask that if you are reading this, you please hold everything confidential and not share what I have written with others. There is a reason "others" aren't reading what you are right now. If you are reading this, I trust you. I trust you with my feelings. If you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for being someone I trust to be included in my personal life. Please continue to pray for us, as I would like to do the same for you. Feel free to comment. Your comments inspire me. Love to all. - Jen

Not gonna lie, some days...are just hard. Being a mom has to be the most wonderful, yet, most agonizing job in the world. I can't imagine anything more wonderful than being a mother. My girls bring me so much joy, but the love I have for them can be quite overwhelming. It is such a responsibility to be a parent. You are completely in charge of a life that 100% depends on you. I do have to remind myself, often, that I am only their earthly mother, and their Heavenly Father is the one whom they really and truly belong to. At times, this doesn't always ease the load.

When Landree was given to me, and we found out about her condition, it hit me hard. All kinds of questions ran through my head. I didn't understand why she had to have something wrong with her. I didn't understand why God would allow it. I didn't understand why I was given the responsibility. Honestly, I still don't quite understand these things. I get extremely overwhelmed by what the future holds for my sweet Landree. I find myself becoming more and more anxiety-ridden when I think about it. God has to reign me in and remind me that thinking that far ahead into the future is the wrong thing to do. That is why I get anxiety. Taking it one day at a time is what He has commanded. That's really hard. I want it all figured out right here, right now. Lay it all out in front of me, Lord! I want to know your will and what I'm facing here...is that too much to ask?

Some days, I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not worthy of a child with a need such as Landree's. Furthermore, what are her "special" needs? Again. I want to know what it's going to be like. Some days it feels as though she has none. It feels like she's doing everything she should be doing. Other days, I feel like we've taken four or five steps back. These are the days I feel discouraged. The more discouraged I get, the more I feel like I am not worthy of being her mother. I feel like I am doing her a disservice by worrying about every little thing. Literally. Every. Little. Thing. I hate this about myself.

Last week we took Landree for her first OT (occupational therapy) and PT (physical therapy) appointment. I woke that day preparing myself to feel depressed. Anytime we have a doctor's appointment of any sort for Landree, I always hear something that gets me down. Sure enough, we found out that we were depriving her of the amount of thickener she should be receiving in her bottle. I had been giving her WAY less than what she really needed. Then for physical therapy, the PT told me that she was on track with about a one to two month old. What? But she's almost four months. This was disheartening.

I feel like I'm allowing satan to come into my life and lie to me. I feel like I'm letting him win. When I get down about Landree's condition....I let him win. Truth is, God is faithful all the time, and He has a purpose for Landree...and me. I know I've mentioned before, that I didn't really have a testimony until Landree came along. Now I have something to "preach" about and share. She is a wonderful way to share the gospel.

God proved His faithfulness to me through His word tonight. Many of you know, my Jesus Calling devotional, by Sarah Young,  is my saving grace. God speaks to me through this devotional. For some reason, today was hard. Nothing in particular happened today. We didn't have any kind of doctor appointment. In fact, we had a wonderful day with one of my best friends, Jenna. I don't know, really. Sometimes it can be a comment, a stare or just my own issues that can cause my day to be off. I was in a particularly bad mood. I picked a fight with Austin. A really stupid one, and just felt down for the rest of the day. Whatever the reason, I needed a slap in the face. A "wake up call," if you will.

I crawled into bed tonight, exhausted. Simply exhausted. I ached from my head to my toes. My back had an unusually painful twinge in it, my legs and ankles ached, as did my arms. I felt like I was falling apart. I just felt so tired. It probably has a lot to do with lugging around an infant carrier and chasing a two year old and everything else that entails. I don't know, but I felt bad inside and out. As I turned over to go to bed, I cried. I cried about my day. I cried about fighting with my husband. I cried about Landree's needs.  I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad for worrying so much about Landree. Why can't I just accept it? Why can't I just GET THERE???? Why does this have to be so difficult? And why was I chosen to take on all of this?  I'm honored to be here mother, but I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. All of these thoughts, made me feel guilty. I looked over at my Jesus Calling, and satan told me, "Nah. Don't open it. It won't do any good. You're a failure. A failure. Just go to sleep and dwell on it." I listened to him and cried some more. I kept glancing at my devotional. Laziness crept over me and I didn't want to pick it up. I'd already turned out the lights to go to bed. I didn't want to get up. Oh, that satan...he's just so mean. Finally, God's voice broke through, and I listened. He told me to open it up and read it. He was going to provide some comfort to my broken thoughts. I'm glad I listened. Here's today's devotional:

July 31st


"TRUST ME in the depths of your being. It is there that I live in constant communion with you. When you feel flustered and frazzled on the outside, do not get upset with yourself. You are only human, and the swirl of events going on around you will sometimes feel overwhelming. Rather than scolding yourself for your humanness, remind yourself that I am both with you and within you.


I am with you at all times, encouraging and supportive rather than condeming. I know that deep within you, where I live, My peace is your continual experience. Slow down your pace of living for a time. Quiet your mind in My Presence. Then you will be able to hear Me bestowing the resurrection blessing:  Peace be with you."


It couldn't have been more fitting. God reminded me tonight that I am only human, and my finite mind isn't capable of understanding everything that is going on and His perfect plan. I'm not supposed to see it all laid out in front of me like I want it to. I know that these day-by-day experiences are supposed to mold me and make me into the person/Christian He wants me to be.

So yes, today I'm feeling inadequate and worn down. But that's ok. I have the love of my God to get me through and show me His plan and purpose. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on my gift. I'm going to focus on Landree, and try and take each thing as it comes and pray about the solution. I am working on accepting her condition and who she is going to be. I have no doubt that what she is going to be is greatness. But it will be Landree's greatness, in her own way. And I couldn't be more pleased with that.

Thank you, God, for Your faithfulness. You alone are all I need.