April 16, 2012
Ten days in the NICU? Ten days? I thought we'd be here 2-3 days, tops. Now here we are ten days into it and we're still very unsure of when she'll get to go home. I'm so tired of this place I could just fall apart.
This whole experience has been surreal to say the least. I find myself looking for answers in every scenario. I was walking into the hospital yesterday and saw the security guard sitting at the front desk. I actually thought to myself..."I wonder if he could give some explanation for all of this." I almost had to shake myself out of it. How ludicrous! It's almost a form of insanity, I believe. I do it all the way up the elevator to the NICU. Every doctor, nurse or anyone I see in scrubs, I want to stop them, shake them and demand an answer for what's wrong with my baby. I mean, it could be something really simple, right? Ugh. I feel the insanity creeping up on me every time I think about it too much. Here's the truth: the only One who has answers is God. He is the one who has an explanation behind all of this madness. I still think some of this could be a lesson in learning to wholeheartedly trusting Him. I struggle with that. When it comes to my kids and worry - I am a control freak. I feel if I relinquish any of that control, than something will go wrong. CRAZY! It's crazy, I know it is. Who am I to think that I actually have control over this? Austin said it best when I was describing my control issues to him. He said, well I can top that. It's not that you think you have control, you only have the illusion of control. So true. I must try to focus on faith. Faith in God and faith in His plan.
Yesterday started off a little rocky for me. I called up to the NICU to see how her 9 am went. The nurse told me she took 15 ml. 15??? What happened to the two 40 ml feedings she had yesterday. I was feeling pretty discouraged. I had to truck on, though. After about an hour or so, I decided to call back to see how she did at her 3 am feeding. I thought maybe she rocked the 3 am and was just sleepy at 9. Her nurse on this day wasn't a NICU nurse. She was a floater nurse from Peds. I was a little irritated with this, because she didn't have access to any of her charts or information. What if there was something important she needed to know (like she's not taking breast milk right now), and she couldn't have access. Furthermore, isn't there more specialized nursing going on in the NICU than in Peds? What do I know? According to the doctors, absolutely nothing. Anyway, when I called back she told me she was glad I called because she told me the wrong amount for her 9 am feeding. She said she really took 40 ml, not 15 ml. Seriously? I panicked for a good hour over that. Why are things going this way??? I'm trying not to be a high maintenance parent, so my frustrations didn't show to her. I know she's just doing her job. Nevertheless, I was pleased with that news and headed up to the hospital.
When I got there it was about 2:45. I didn't see her nurse for nearly 30 minutes...hence her 3:00 feeding was late. I was fighting back tears. I'm sure to most this doesn't sound like a big deal. So the nurse is a little late? So what? Well, I feel like poor Landree has just been a little overlooked by the doctors and sometimes, the nurses. She's not a "sick" baby, but "there's something wrong." I feel like they're just writing her off. Whether this is the case or not, this is how I feel. It's heart breaking. I finally went to get someone to get this Peds nurse to feed my baby. Since I'm not using breast milk, they have a special mixture with her formula and I don't know how to do it yet, or I would've just done it myself. So, I got some snuggling time in with Landree before her feeding - that's a plus.
I was proud of her because I noticed how she was keeping her mouth closed more. The doctor commented on her poor muscle tone because of the way her little mouth stays open. I attribute it to her small chin and gravity is working against her. Not to mention, most of the time her mouth is wide open is when she's sleeping. Give the kid a break.
Finally, the nurse came in, and then went over to the OTHER baby in the room and tried to feed him for Landree's 3:00 pm feeding. S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y? Hello! My baby hasn't had a feeding since noon! Or did you forget that one, too. She turns around after figuring out it was LC that needed the bottle not the other baby, and apologizes. I just nodded my head. What are you going to do? Anyway, so she mixed up the bottle and I sat down to feed my baby - finally.
My bad mood was quickly turned around when LC took her ENTIRE feeding in 15 minutes. I'm talking sucked that bottle down!!! I was so happy I could cry. What's that? Tears of joy for a change? Awesome.
Not only that, but that little turkey was awake for the whole feeding and we even tried to give her a little more. She didn't take it, but that's ok. She took 2 oz! Good girl!
And thank goodness for my sweet AB. I swear I would probably have completely lost it by now if it wasn't for her. She's turning into such a loving, sweet and compassionate little girl. I need her right now. We came home, hung out for a bit. Aunt Julie came over and brought me more comfort foods (it's the little things that count...) and AB some more milk. We're very thankful for her. Then, Brad and Bri came over and brought dinner...tacos - yum!!!!! I'm so thankful for all the meals right now. I can't imagine cooking right now. There would be no time.
Nana came over to play with AB (thank you, Nana!!) and then we headed back up to the hospital. This was Austin's first day back at work. Ugh. Oh, how I hated him going back. Austin could stay home with me all day everyday and I would be one happy girl. Haha - ask him how he'd feel about that, probably a little different from me. I tend to be a bit needy. ;0) Anyway, it was hard on him, I could tell. He seemed worn out when he got home. He's been so strong for me this whole time, I think it's starting to weigh on him just a little bit. We got to the hospital and had high hopes for another successful feeding. We were elated - she took her ENTIRE bottle again in 20 minutes. Good girl, Landree! Mommy and Daddy are so proud. We have high hopes for more progress over the next few days. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high, but she's been doing wonderful.
Thank you for all the prayers. Please continue to pray for Landree's progress. I just want my girl home. I'll deal with the other "stuff" later. Let's just have all of us under one roof, first.
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