Landree's Stay in the NICU: Day 6

April 12, 2012

After my mini-nervous breakdown from the night before, I had strict instructions from my husband that I was not allowed to go up to the hospital for her 9 am feeding. I hadn't missed one since she has been in the NICU. I really enjoyed sleeping in, but was chomping at the bit to get up there once I was up. However, I told myself that morning and afternoon were dedicated to AB and doing something she would enjoy. So, after we were up ate breakfast/lunch, we headed to the park to let her play for a bit. She had a blast. It was exactly what she needed, or maybe it was what I needed. I know she's fine. She's hanging out with some of her favorite people lately, and I don't think she's giving me a second thought. But it was good for me to feel like I got to spend some quality time with her doing something she enjoys!

After the park, I dropped Austin and AB off at home and headed up to the hospital to see my other girl. I had called earlier to see how things were going and if she made any progress. No. Things were the same. She still only ate 15 ml/cc and was sleeping the rest of the time (sigh). I know she needs to wake up and not sleep so much, but I love that sweet, sleeping face.

I got to the hospital to do her 3:00 pm feeding. This feeding was particularly frustrating for me. She wouldn't wake up to take her bottle. I tried and tried, but she just wouldn't eat. She took nothing out of her bottle during this feeding. I was extremely discouraged and couldn't hold back the tears during this feeding. Luckily for me, the nurses have been amazing and this particular day, she had a wonderful nurse. Good thing too, because the dreaded Neonatologist (the one I'm not particularly crazy about) came in to talk to me - without my rock (Austin), I might add. She told me that she felt her muscle tone was better today than the day before. She also mentioned she may have an oral aversion the way that she isn't showing any interest in the bottle. Then she went on to say that if this is the case it will take a LONG time to get her to where she will take the bottle, and at that point they may have to put in a surgically inserted feeding tube. This would mean we would have to take her home using this feeding tube. Again, all of this very discouraging. So, I asked her if she does have this oral aversion, does she think that's "what's wrong with her?" She doesn't take a breath and immediately says, "No. There is something else wrong." My heart sinks. Why does she have to be so abrupt and abrasive? Go easy on this Mommy's tender heart. It's hurting.

At this point, I just wanted her to leave. So I didn't ask anymore questions or do anything to keep her sitting in my presence anymore. Just go!

After she left, LC and I spent some much needed cuddling time together. She even woke up to hang out with her Mama for a bit.

After I left the hospital, I just felt so sick and full of anxiety. I knew I needed to let it go. I had to give it to God. I was very afraid to do this. It's crazy - absolutely crazy, my reasoning behind not giving it to God. I felt like in some way I had control over this situation, and giving it to God would allow me to lose that control. Seriously? Did I really feel this way? I never did, never have, never will have any control. It was the weirdest feeling. I could feel it in my chest - the worries, fears and anxieties. It was literally sitting in my chest, just needing to come out and be given to God. So, with much prayer and petition, I did. I gave it to Him. I told Him I couldn't do it anymore, even though I wanted to take the whole thing over, I couldn't. I told Him that the faith I was struggling to have, I finally got it back and I had faith that He could heal Landree and make all of this go away. It was a huge weight off, but the thing I noticed the most was when my mind started to wander to all of the different scenarios, most of them scary, about what could be wrong with LC, I was able to stop them. Whereas before, they couldn't be stopped. Thank you, Jesus.

I came home from the hospital a little bit of a different person I felt. I felt optimistic, but still cautious. I was confident that God could fix this problem. I felt confident he would. We sat down and had dinner as a family...not our whole family, but still our family. It was nice to sit there and enjoy that moment. I even looked at Austin and told him, "Landree is going to be ok." He asked me why I said that, because I know at that moment he was probably thinking, "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?" I hadn't said anything like that or felt that calm throughout this whole process.

After dinner, Nana came back over to hang out with AB while ran up to the hospital for her 9:00 pm feeding. When we got there the nurse was taking her vitals and changing her diaper. Miss Thang pulled out her feeding tube when the nurse wasn't looking. I took advantage of this opportunity to take a picture of my baby without that darn feeding tube in her news. I love that beautiful face!

We got some good snuggle time in and were able to hang out with our baby girl for a while. We were also encouraged because the Neonatologist that saw her when she first came into the NICU was back on duty. We loved, loved, loved him. Not only was he encouraging, he was also wonderful about sitting there and talking with us for a while and explaining things. He was very optimistic about LC when she first came in. That's another reason we loved him. We've agreed that if there's something wrong, like really, genetically wrong, then we'll love on her even more and work together to make the best of the situation. We'll do that and we can prepare for that. However, if there's not something wrong and it's something simple...then we're going to have a real issue with this other doctor that made such a big deal over the little things. 

Anyway, it doesn't really matter. God is the one in control of this situation and no doctors, no man can predict what the future would be. I rest in the fact that my baby (His baby) is in His hands and she rests safely and comfortably there. Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful blessing.